Muslim Women have been advised to avoid staying tight in an abusive relationship or marriage that could expose them to domestic violence.
The advice was given by panelists during one of the sessions at the recently concluded Bountiis’ Widows, Divorcees and Matured Singles, WDS’ Forum held on 27th of June, 2021 At LASUBEB Auditorium, Maryland, Lagos.
Members of the panel while educating participants on various forms of domestic violence against women noted that abusive relationship can be verbal, background debasement, destroying self-esteem, forceful sex, neglected sex, emotional, financial, or psychological abuse.
According to the speakers, rather than keeping silent and suffering abuses, women need to speak out to experts and expose the situation.
Speakers noted that fear of becoming a WDS and societal stigmatization are some of the reasons making women stick to abusive relationship until they drop dead.
One of the speakers, Dr.Azizat Lebimoyo, Consultant Psychiatrist, Lagos State University Teaching Hospital (LASUTH), said quitting an abusive marriage in Islam has procedures part of which include pronouncements of divorce and a waiting period for women. She explained that waiting period is a period of great emotional loss that must be acknowledged without apportioning blame or making anyone feel guilty.
Lebimoyo emphasized the need to seek psychological support during waiting period and avoid pretense of hiding the situation from those who could be of help to them.
She cautioned women against wearing of wedding ring when they are divorced while insisting proper arrangements for child support after divorce must be made.
She said, “Women need to improve themselves in career and other positive areas of interest to surmount the trauma of divorce and should stop blaming themselves because it is a learning experience. Do not avoid healing conversation. It’s a practicality of life, you are not alone!”
Speaking on mood changes, hormonal and health challenges of WDS especially after the loss of a spouse or divorce, Dr. Olalere Folashade Haleemah, Lecturer and Consultant Obstetrician and Gynecologist, LASUCOM, described this as a period of denial, “Not Me” and the ‘Searching Period’ with feeling of despair, hopelessness and grieve to extent of neglecting their health and self-care. According to her, many usually come down with insomnia, mood swings, finding it difficult socializing among other psychological traumas.
She said “The earlier widows move on with their lives, the better. As Muslimahs, we should know that we will all die. If need be, in accordance with Islamic provisions, it’s good to remarry. But if none of the men pass your tests, be happy that you have identified them early and stay safe. Remember, being single is much better than being in a lonely or abusive relationship.”
She listed widowhood challenges to include pre-menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, painful intercourse, low estrogens resulting into hormonal disorder and mood changes, sleep disorders, low vagina lubrication among other.
“As a way out, there should be life style modification, change in clothing materials, diet such as eating of Soya beans, fruits and vegetables, taking multivitamins as well as a lot of exercises among others, Dr. Olalere suggested.”
Speaking on how to deal with guilt of sexual urge as a widow, divorce or single mother, Dr Saidat Badmus, Consultant Obstetrician and Gynecologist, MD Madaniyyah Women’s Specialist Hospital, told the audience that women experience sexual urge differently and it’s normal because women are not robots. She said, “Some women hardly have sexual urge while some women will always have it may be around mid -cycle. And even if you find yourself craving for sex, it is normal. It’s Allah’s making. Engage in fasting. Once you have that understanding, the guilt will reduce.”
Dr. Badmus debunked several medical myths on sex and menopause saying that most medical consequences are actually psychological. She said, “Not having sex is not responsible for painful menstruation or High Blood Pressure. When you need an instant help, Tamarin is helpful when all diversionary activities fail, with a spoon of lime, will reduce the urge.
Organizations like Muslim Women for Development and Sustainability(AMW4DS), Al-Muminaat (The believing Women Organization), Duty to Orphans and Widows Foundation (WIDOF), Muslim Mercy Aid and Relief Foundation (MMARIF), Siddiqah Foundation, Al-Hurriyah Foundation, and other organizations that have dedicated programs for widows and divorcees were also at the Bountiis WDS forum to admonish participants.
